I told my friend Lianne that I wanted someone to offset the blonde & brunette heads in my portfolio, and she told me that I had to meet Saydie, and I’m so glad I did. She’s been a breath of fresh air in my feed. Recently, she posted this:
“I have Guttate Psoriasis, Scalp Psorasis and Inverse Psoriasis. My skin cells grow 10x faster than the average person and create thick layers of dead skin that scab and bleed and peel and hurt daily. I am always grateful for the beautiful skin on my face, but oh how I dream of it to extend from the neck down. Summers are better than winters. Laughter is better than grief. The triggers are endless but the surprise is gone. I am a warrior. I have lived with the disease since I was 10. The amount of cruel people I have indured growing up with this disorder is endless but they have made me a leader. A voice. An example. I am beautiful. I am a fighter.” - Saydie
I knew Saydie had Psoriasis before we shot, and I knew that I wasn’t going to edit out her scars. She said each scar felt like someone had held a lit cigarette to her skin for a week. That stuck with me. After she saw her photos she said that it was empowering that her scars showed so beautifully. Saydie is a beautiful person inside and out and I’m so glad I got this chance to work with her.
Hair & makeup by Jessica Langedyk
When I start a new post I usually default to funny and strange, but not toooodaaaayyy *weird side-mouth voice*. I saw tons of posts from friends yesterday on bell’s lets talk day, about their experiences managing mental health. It’s something that really hits home for me right now.
I’ve struggled with anxiety my whole life. When I was young I didn’t even know it had a label, I just thought everyone felt like I did, and I learned behaviors to mask it. After I had Ellie I was dealing with new levels of anxiety & depression. I didn’t want to leave our house. I isolated myself with a baby. I couldn’t resort to self medicating, as I had done in the past. Snowboarding was my other outlet before Ellie, that’s where I used to feel completely myself, without any issue. When E came along there was a new sense of guilt associated with snowboarding because I was leaving her, I felt selfish, and my depression snowballed.
When I started working again I would be overcome with anxiety. I remember several days when I would start shaking and crying without being able to control it. I couldn’t speak, couldn’t think clearly. I finally, at 28, realized I needed help. Over the past few years I’ve been able to manage my anxiety, but depression remains a very real thing that I deal with day to day. I thought I had it under control last March, and stopped taking the medication, but slowly it’s crept back. I’m grateful that I recognized the symptoms sooner, so that I can manage it.
And that’s what I’m hoping for anyone reading this who is maybe in a similar place. Know that you are enough. You are worth people’s time and energy. You deserve to be happy and to enjoy life. And it’s ok to ask for help.
I’ve never had a very strong self image. In social situations I’ve always felt lesser. Looking back, I can see that this was why I was putting off doing a boudoir session for myself. Even though I needed insight on my client’s emotions through the experience, even though I wanted a healthier self image, even though I believe everyone deserves their own session… I didn’t book because I didn’t feel worth it. Not worth the photographer’s attention, time, effort. Not worth the money I’d be spending on myself. I didn’t feel beautiful from the inside out. I didn’t feel sexy. I don’t believe this was the right mindset to book a session. It wasn’t going to fix me. But I wanted it to. I feel like I have a lot of work to do to improve my self image.
That being said, I can genuinely say that every woman (and man) that I’ve put in front of my camera I’ve felt that they were worth my time & attention. This is why this style of photography has captured me, and that’s why I choose to specialize only in boudoir.
My goal is to make everyone feel worthy of this experience. Booking a session was a big deal for me, and for most of my clients it is also. Rest assured that I will hold your hand through the whole experience. from your consultation, through your session, until you see your images. I’ll work to make sure your images project how you want to be seen in the world and I’ll prove to you that you’re worth it.
Thanks for reading :)
.Bodychain courtesy of BRIWOK jewlery || Instagram: @briwokjewelry || Website: www.briwok.com
I started writing this in my head as: “It’s getting to the time of the year when I normally start reflecting on the past year” and then I was like wtf, I reflect all year long, just one big constant reflection all.the.time. My fucking brain is like a mirror just constantly reflecting shit and day dreaming. and PLANNING. Like, I will sit down for and hour and write a plan up about what I’m gonna do and then not-fucking-do any of it. But look, here’s my super sweet plan of how it could have worked out lol. That’s probably one of the reasons shooting boudoir works for me. I get to talk to my client about why they’re doing a session, and what they want to get out of it, then I get to plan like mad, then I’m forced to actually act out the plan (because there’s more people involved than just me and the voices in my head – fml) and then I get to wrap it up and see what came of it. It’s a brilliant little circle of getting shit done.. and I’m addicted.
Mmmm but I have been reflecting, as I do, and I’m so stoked with what’s happened in 2016 and so so so looking forward to 2017. I think part of it is that I admitted to myself that I don’t want to shoot everything under the sun, but I freaking love shooting boudoir, so I’m going to make that work. I spent quite a bit of time, actually, going through all the sessions from 2016 to look at the progression of my work and to clarify the direction I want to work in 2017. I’ve selected these images as the best based on a couple of things ONE they all make me feel something when I look at them and TWO I recognize progression in them. They are rad as fuck and I’m so happy to share this post with you.
Thank you to my super awesome clients for finding me, booking with me, telling your friends, and letting me share your images.